The Road Less Travelled
As the gentle violins, then the first tenor begin, I crank up the volume. I want to hear every note of the Three Tenors singing Nesun Dorma. It’s the perfect soundtrack to the landscape of farmland, bush and forest on the highway, on the five hour trip home.
Adjusting the upholstered foam insert for the car seat for maximum comfort, I’m hoping my old Holden Barina station wagon won’t create a drama by breaking down in the middle of nowhere, like once before.
It’s all the backdrop to an internal struggle, wrestling with a major crossroads. At age thirty one I have to choose between continuing my Environmental Science career or jumping off another cliff into the unknown, to live my creativity, inspiration, passion, spirituality and bliss and see where they take me.
I’m not long returned from ten months of travel on my year’s leave without pay. First tropical island hopping through South East Asia and then five months at an ashram in India. A journey of extraordinary inner and outer adventures, bringing me home with opened heart and free spirit. Back at work, I felt almost a physical contraction in my body and spirit, shrinking to fit the confines of the job. I dreaded the return to living like an automaton, in robot mode, up and at ‘em in the morning, only half awake, half aware every day. Going back felt jarring.
TWO PATHS
So I am driving along contemplating the two paths in front of me, going from one to the other, thinking and feeling through the pros and cons. Added to the mix of needing to make a major life decision within the next few days, I’m worried about my friend Anshumali who at forty one is on life support with a brain aneurism. A musician, astrologer and university graduate, we shared a house for a few months and became firm friends, having many deep, philosophical and hilarious conversations. He is very real reminder that postponing living to the full is a path of regrets.
Like much of life, it isn’t a black and white decision, with plenty of grey in the middle. I still love many aspects of the work in wild and stunning national parks. It’s my dream job. I worked seven years to achieve it. It’s not an easy decision to give it away. It fulfills my desire to make a difference, to make a contribution, which helped shape my decision to choose a degree in biology and environmental science. It’s work with high meaning, making sure our wilderness areas exist healthily for the long term. My colleagues are lovely, intelligent, committed people. Turning my back on a well-paid career, knowing it will be a growth industry, knowing I could progress to a senior level and have influence, is not to be done lightly.
A BANDAID
But my frustration has been growing. Environmental science is a bandaid, dealing with the symptoms of a bigger problem – the level of human consciousness. Having been transforming my own consciousness for the past ten years, I see the connection between the individual state of mind and our collective impacts on the planet. We are all ripples in ponds. While the work is important, it isn’t getting to the core of the problem.
This career takes all my energy. It’s becoming more physically demanding. And there is a part of me dying inside, particularly my creativity. My desire to try DJing can go nowhere. I’m frustrated that I have abilities which don’t have an outlet. From the first day of the job I knew that I wouldn’t be doing this work forever. I want a chance to explore, develop and use more fully all of who I am, especially my talents and skills. I believe a recipe for a rich, contented life is fulfilling our potential, and using our gifts to make a contribution to the world. After jumping off several cliffs to work on myself, in clearing the way inside to my larger self, I need to live all I have discovered more fully. I have a longing for a bigger life. But is this the right time, or should it remain ‘one day’ for now?
With the first crescendo of magnificent voices and orchestra, my heart soars at the prospect of jumping off the cliff, and being free to be me. But it’s scary too, this is a big leap into the unknown, with no idea of what I will do, and no income prospects for a while, though the redundancy package of $19,000 will help. But I have no mortgage or family responsibilities, I’m not bound by those restrictions.
Then I’m filled with dread. How to tell my parents, who supported me through university? Would leaving the career for my dream of a huge life be irresponsibly self-indulgent coming from my privilege?
No! Not with known and unknown limitations and challenges in my future. I need to go for it while I can. Being in my particular body, somehow gives me permission to live not an ordinary life, but to take risks and go for the highest. Because I am different I feel freer to live a different life, to choose the road less travelled.
LIVING WITH PASSION AND TOTALITY
All this swirls inside as I’m carried away with one of the most magnificent crescendos ever created, with the large orchestra and not one, but three tenors, giving their all. I realize I have to live my life with that level of passion and totality.
Then it becomes clear I have to take the jump. And now is the time with the redundancy money to ease the way. I can’t wait any longer to live a huge life. Playing the track again I soar with the thrill of endless possibilities, shouting ‘Yes! Yes!’ with a fist pump out the window at the exultant end.
Arriving home at sunset a few hours later, I discover that at the exact time I was listening to Nessun Dorma the life support on Anshumali was disconnected and he took his last breath. It sends shivers down my spine. It’s like his final gift to me was the shove I needed to push me over the edge, to be audacious and live a life true to myself.
LittleBodyHugeLife 